Marriage

  I have been married for almost 26 years.  Every year has not always been rainbows and roses, I am human and I have a temper.  The man I married loves me, I love him.  Recently we saw friends decide to go their separate ways, it was sad.  It is not the first time that we have watched seemingly wonderful compatible people just decide they don't want to be together anymore.  Marriage is hard sometimes, the things that were cute or mildly annoying in the beginning seem to become almost unbearable.  I don't understand what happens when it all falls apart.  I have had fights with my beloved, there have been times when I didn't love him, I didn't  like him, but emotions lie!  The next day when everything is calm I look at that man who is my everything and my best friend and just can't imagine life without him.  He is my best friend, always has been.  I love running errands if it means I get to spend time with him.  I know that the world we live in is no Utopia, there is people who think nothing of flirting with a married person.  They are very disturbed people in my opinion why would you want to be with someone who has so little regard for your bond to your spouse.
  Sex is hard sometimes, you have children, jobs, errands, and stuff and sometimes health issues and sex feels like one more thing on your to do list that you have no interest in.  My hubby and I have always been on two different time clocks.  He is a morning lark, I am unbearable until my 1st cup of coffee.  I  come to life in the afternoon or evening when he is winding down and is tired.  We have 2 biological children and a great sex life so obviously we make it work.  So why am I writing all this down, I just want people to be real.  When you are young and newlywed you are so in love that you think nothing will ever change and then it does.  Life is a series of hills and valleys, it just is.  When you are in a valley you can't see the top.  You think you will always feel that way but you don't.  You will always face challenges and you have to choose to stay and fight and work or leave.  Let me say right here if he/she is abusive leave!  That never ever gets better, it always gets worse.  So you are going along and if your blessed children come along and life gets BUSY!  You are always tired, or so it seems and we have been there too.  We made a point to date.  MANY times it was a movie and food in front of a t.v.  We could not afford a sitter.  It is so important.  Those kids grow up and they leave and then what do you want to look at a person you have disconnected from while you were a parent and discover you have nothing in common anymore.  Dating is important, sex is critical, when you are tired, when you don't feel like it.  Men are sensitive like this they need to be touched, held, cuddled or whatever.  Women think well "hell I have worked, nursed, I am tired, I don't feel attractive, I have a headache, and we'll get around to it later when life is less busy," it never happens.  I have been there.  I don't want someone else to see what I have and decide that since I don't want him/her they  will.    This is my advice, never take him/her for granted.  You are together for a reason.  We all get old, we all face challenges, nobody really wants to do life alone, it is no fun.  If you are married and feeling that disconnect, if the grass looks greener over there, maybe you didn't do what you thought you would do with your life and you want it before life is over and you didn't.  Look at that spouse of yours, go on a date, like you did in the beginning, talk. review your hopes and dreams for the future.  You don't need Victoria and her secrets, you need a heart and some time.  To my beloved you are just as sexy, just as fun, just as sweet and caring as you were all those years ago.  I love you to the moon and back and then some.

it has been a while

My last post to my blog was full of anger.  I was shocked to read it again, boy when I get angry I really do have quite a temper.  Today is Friday the 13th an ordinary day with a slightly unusual date.  I finished Christmas shopping today with the exception of my hubby when I will get his done I do not know.  So a quiet day, and suddenly there on the Facebook feed another school shooting, again in Colorado.  This has happened so often now that it almost seems routine.  All the normal afternoon talk shows are not interrupted, we hardly look up.  It is hard to know what to think anymore.  I lost my aunt a few days ago to a house fire of all things.  I never in my wildest dreams, imagined a house fire would take away anybody I knew and loved.  I know they happen, but it was always someone else, somewhere else.  This world is a scary place.  In my normal day to day I look forward to the next day, the next event, the next thing, grand-kids, marriages, happily ever after.  When stuff like school shootings or house fires happen that take away loved ones I wonder to myself "God, are we done?  Would you send Jesus down?  Make this all disappear.
  Madela, was he a good saintly guy or a reformed bad guy?  The media which a rarely believe these days would have you believe he was a Saint.  Frankly from what little I do know I think he was a decent leader, not perfect.  If he was a bad guy resulting in his imprisonment he would have been entitled to become a  really bitter old man after prison what made him admirable is he didn't he became a leader, and fought for change in his country.  An inspiration really, how does one become an inspiring leader of change?  So when Mararet Thatcher passed away earlier this year another person who changed their country forever we did not send one single delegate to our most loyal ally.  We didn't even blink, no hour long specials on what she did and why.  No movies about her role in world events with world leaders, nothing really.  Her memorial if you call it that was played out on Facebook.  I remember her from my time in England, I admired her.  Nelson Mandela on the other hand was old and sick we knew he was going to die.  He was an inspirational leader and deserving of the spectacle that was his memorial service.  All the delegates and ex-presidents who attended.  Our current president made another speech and took a selfie.  There is a movie based on Nelson Madela's book to be released on Christmas Day.  Why do we make a huge deal and spectacle of some leaders and not of others.  Both leaders broke barriers, both did amazing things, why one is celebrated and one not is strange to me.
   Over the past week I have had a horrible cold.  I was not able to work out, way to exhausted, it was hard being sick. I am not completely over it yet so while I had great plans to restart my workout program I think I will start on a Monday fresh as a daisy.  I have a ailment, I can't really call it a disease, it is a chronic condition that affects so many systems of my body.  It is called PCOS or Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome,  basically I have cysts on  my ovaries, it can cause , excess weight gain, excess hair or sometimes hair loss, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, diabetes, insulin resistance, sometimes infertility, at the least trouble conceiving, acne, depression there is more.  It is a very difficult condition and widely misunderstood, usually when we see a woman with bad skin who is overweight we make assumptions about her, she has no will power, she is lazy, she is unclean.  The problem is she may suffer from this condition.  While most people can simply work out harder and cut back a woman with PCOS has extreme difficulty.  We just can't lose the excess weight as easily.  There is usually a lot more going on then just eating out more often then we should.  If all the things that PCOS causes were as easy to control as just cutting back on soda and french fries.  I have had PCOS my entire life and it is hereditary.  I was simply unlucky.  There was a woman on my side of the family who had it, and I was unlucky enough to pull that card.  My boys are a blessing and my daughter a joy.  The reason I am explaining this is so people will be a little kinder and more understanding.  I have a friend with this condition, and she can run circles around the cute skinny girls at the gym, she can work out for hours and remains the same.  Doctors who are supposed to help  belittle and ignore her pleas for help.  It is a shame and doctors are of little help at all.  I have a lot of the same issues and it is very hard.
  This is what is on my heart today.  Go out, be encouraging, smile and remember the reasons for the season.  For me it is Jesus, whatever your reasons are, celebrate the joy and try to make your piece of the world a better place.

Warning: This is how I really feel.

The government shut down sort of.  This made me mad.  Not kind of mad, but as mad as a hornet whose nest had been disturbed.  I wasn't mad at the Republicans that the media was trying so hard to convince me were the ones responsible.  I was mad at the President and the Senate democrats who would not negotiate.  Leaders Negotiate!  It is better to get most of what you want if people will benefit and the country will benefit.  These people flat refuse to negotiate, that seems wrong.  Shutting down open air memorials and National parks is wrong.  You can't convince me it costs less to put barriers and park rangers in place.  For what purpose, to keep out some older veterans out of their memorial, they fought for it, it is theirs.  So I will say what made some people mad.  I hate you President Obama, I truly, truly, hate you.  Someday my God , will take care of you.  You hate this country, you hate people who disagree with you, you hate people like me who see you for the lying snake that you are.  I hate people who will not stand up for the benefit of this country they care about protecting you and what you want more then they care about serving their fellow man.  My rights as a Christian are being eroded every day for the rights of Muslims extremists, who would not blink if I was exterminated in the street.  Muslim Extremists hate me, that is fine, I will not shut up.  I am not polite all the time.  See I believe that Christian Conservatives like me have been sweet and polite for to long and that is why the country is here it is at.  The minority has the power.  I was quiet too, didn't want to offend people, well I am done being a good, quiet person, I am angry!  Somebody has to be strong enough to say, enough is enough.  I am sure that God gave me my strong opinions for a reason.  Paul said things that in his day made people mad.  I may be childish, but these black and white words don't harm anybody and they are mine.  In my opinion, I do this to get my frustration out.  Read it or not I simply don't care.  There will be people who disagree with me tell me I am a bad Christian, maybe so but I am a Christian, God will forgive me, I am his child with the big loud mouth.  I am absolutely sure he will put me to use one day.  My true, loyal friends, who read my blog they will understand. They love me for who I am.   For you who get it, I love you.  For you who this shutdown hurt, I am sorry, you have my full support.

I am having a rare day.

Today all my stars must be aligned because seriously I am in a terrific mood.  I do have good moods occasionally but today I am in rare form.  I went shopping yesterday, it started there.  You know when you go shopping and you try on clothes in a particular size because that is what you are used too.  I did that and nothing fit.  Everything was to big.  Not hanging off my body to big but big enough I would have had to buy a belt also.  I bought a size smaller pair of jeans.  I was so happy.  I was practically euphoric.  This morning I had my usual breakfast and after lollygagging I went to the gym and things went ok.  I am getting faster and stronger.  I came home and the mailbox had a new bracelet I ordered and some dog tags.  I have been trying all kinds of things to inspire and motivate me.  We all love getting something in the mail that doesn't contain a bill.  I took a shower.  I weigh myself before every shower.  It showed a number that I have been hoping and praying would show up 150lbs.  I never said it was supermodel weight but I have really wanted it.  10 more lbs would be fantastic but it seemed like a major victory for today.  Today bring it on kidlettes because Mommy might say yes, when she usually says no.  Today I feel like a warrior princess.

School

When you have kids other than a name the most important decision you will ever make is how and where to send them to school.  We have so many choices today, home schools, online schools, private schools, charter schools and public schools.  My eldest child graduated from a top rated charter school.  What does that mean?  He is not going to Harvard or MIT he is joining the United States Air Force.  We joke that it is the family business since both my husband and I grew up military and he retired from the Air Force.  I truly believe there is a right school for every child the tricky part is knowing what is right.  I have a typical teenage son, he loves sports and, he also happens to be a hard worker and smart.  He would be miserable in a charter school like my eldest went to.  There were no sports teams or drama clubs.  The school ratings came out for my area today, and my son's school got a C, but he is extremely happy and fulfilled.  I can only hope that all the extracurricular stuff and his 4.0 will counteract that the school is not top notch. My youngest daughter has challenges, she is bright, articulate, and artistic, but school can sometimes be very frustrating and tiring for her and as a result me.  If I could have a guarantee that the school she is in right now is going to provide for her needs without giving me a major headache all my problems would be solved.  Life doesn't work that way.  I have to hope that the choices I made are the best choices I could make and leave the rest up to God.  We bring forth children into this world full of promise and hope.  Sometimes, they bring special challenges that are apparent right from the start, and sometimes those challenges make themselves apparent much later.  Being a parent is a very tough job and we all know people who seem to do a much better job then us, and on the flip-side we know people who we believe are messing it up.  There is no perfect parent, actually there is one,  God the father.  He even left us a book of instructions.  It is a long book.  It is a great book, but in the thick of things easy answers are hard to find.  To all the parents out there, don't fret do your best and pray about the rest.

The VMA's

It is my blog so I am going to talk about Miley Cyrus.  I don't watch the VMA's and I have only seen the bits and pieces of the performance that have been blasted all over the news.  Not to long ago my baby girl was a Hannah Montana fan.  She was wholesome, cute, and the program the few times I could bring myself to watch it seemed harmless enough.  I took her to the movie and even I begrudgingly liked it.  Of course now Victoria is over Miley,  Hannah,and Justin Bieber. She has never liked One Direction.  I remember being a little older then she is now and having little crushes on the teen idols of my time.  It is shocking to a parent of any age and any generation when a teen idol falls from grace.  You think we would have learned by now that they quite often do fall from grace.  So many young stars are on the news not for their talent, or craft, no they make the news for the train wreck they have let their lives become.  We are just as guilty, because we watch it.  We love watching these young people make complete fools out of themselves which in turn sells, making them very rich and increasingly very troubled.  It does seem that if these stars have parents they do nothing to help their children, they defend their hideous choices.  Billy Ray Cyrus has been on the news defending his daughter's behavior.  It is sickening!  She used to be a darling girl, very pretty, but somehow, somewhere, being a hero to little girls wasn't enough and desperate to grow up she has made some horrible choices.  She dresses and acts like a tramp.  Ladies listen please if you walk around being provocative you will get lots of attention, a lot of negative attention.  You might attract men for sure, but they won't treat you like a lady they will treat you like meat.  Young girls everywhere need to know you are so much more then this.  There are good, kind, decent, men who want more then a sex kitten.  Good, decent, men want a lady they can talk to, be friends with, a partner in life.    

   Miley wasn't alone on that stage she was with a guy that should have known better, but didn't his songs are filled with sex and innuendo.  I heard he was married, I don't know if he has children yet but I sure hope they never see that performance. Ironically his dad played a dad to my teenage crush Kirk Cameron, now there is a teen idol that to this day I like.  A decent, Christian, family man.  A man who has devoted his life to Christ.  

   Men is this want you want, women who think nothing of ripping off their clothes and grinding over anybody.  If you think for a moment I think you don't.  You want a woman who treasures you and herself.  I have sons also.  I am doing my level best to teach them to respect themselves and women they might date enough to save themselves for marriage.  It is a really hard sell these days when the media glorifies everything opposite of that standard.  Pregnancy isn't seen as bringing forth a life it is portrayed as a problem, you can easily solve.  So many shows on TV bring forth the unintended pregnancy story line.  It cheapens the whole experience, even the most powerful man in the nation talks about a baby as a burden he does not want his daughters to have to bear.  But yet the act that starts a life is seen as fun, and harmless.  My boys were born out of love to a man and a woman committed to a life together in the covenant of marriage.  I know so many people  who are going to get angry about that statement but that is the truth, it is the ideal.  I want that ideal for my boys.  I want them to find a woman who will treasure my son's as I have.  I dearly hope and pray that one day someone that cares about Miley Cyrus the person will talk to her about her choices and maybe she will return to the beautiful young woman she once was and the performance at the VMA's will be a a memory made in bad judgement.  I pray that Robin Thicke will apologize for his part.  Of course it is hollyweird and they have a bad habit of just dishing out more of what sells and who cares who gets hurt in the process.  The whole mess is sad. 

Perseverance

 perseverance : continued effort to do or achieve something despite difficulties, failure, or opposition : the action or condition or an instance of persevering:steadfastness.

 This is my favorite word, my favorite theme, and the title of my favorite painting.  The late Thomas Kincade has a painting that shows a sailboat being tossed around in the waves.  The painting speaks to me.  I have often felt like that sailboat being tossed about by life.  This week was the first week of school, and I was not ready.  I love summer, the lack of a schedule, sleeping in.  I am an insomniac and many nights I didn't get to sleep till 3 or 4 am.  This really doesn't work well when you get up at 6:15.  So everyday this week I awoke with Persevere on the brain.  Just put one foot in front of the other.  I enjoy reflecting on the many heroes in the bible.  Many of those people faced incredible odds and put their faith in God and persevered.  I do not even put myself in the same boat as them but everyone can identify to being tossed around by life.  I have had some real lows this week, and some incredible highs as well.  We can handle and rejoice the highs so easily but those little pesky lows, they really throw us for a loop.  My low this week was writing down my measurements, to make this worse I had my husband help.  There I was with nowhere to hide.  I hated those numbers they seemed to mock me even though I know I am a beast in the gym.  The truth is my diet needs some altering or nothing will change.  I am not any good at restrictive diets.  I usually don't make it one day before I messed it up and then it just doesn't seem worth the trouble to continue.  This time I have decided to try something new, no restricting, no forbidding certain foods.  I am going to eat and drink what I enjoy and know I will not give up I am just going to cut back, slowly.  Eat less, be sensible.  I am pretty sure this will make the process much longer but I am hoping it will help.
   I love the idea of this blog, I have no hopes of being discovered and don't really check to see how many times the blog has been viewed.  I don't write for anyone in particular.  The dream is that someone stumbles upon it and sees that they are not alone.  We all feel alone sometimes, and the funny thing is even with all this technology we feel like we are the only one in the entire world to feel the way we do.  Maybe there is someone in the world who shares some of my struggles.  That mysterious person is who I am trying to reach.  Maybe I have a friend who reads this out of curiosity and  they may have similar struggles that they hide within and this helps them know they are not alone.  We all must persevere everyday even if that means getting out of a warm bed, and put one foot in front of the other.